i finally see the appeal in being a christian. it’s the comfort in the fact that there is someone, bigger, stronger, wiser, better than you who will always be there for you to listen to your woes unquestioningly.

crunch time

the video is fucked by the audio. the most important parts are too soft. and the best audios are those with the rain sounds. terence and kim are trying to save the audio right now while i get some shut eye and time to finish -no i mean- start on my essay. today while walking around ntu, looking like a sad fuck with bloodshot teary eyes, i realised a lot of things. that when you’re freaking out, people either 1. gloss it over saying it’s not your fault, 2. tell you to think about something else to make yourself feel better, 3. put you off because they have demons of their own to fight, 4. shove the blame on other people, 5. call you a “selfish bitch” for crying because not only is it making things worse, its awkwardness is impeding everyone else.

i think of the all people i called/smsed/msned in that span of time i was going crazy, only the last one spoke the truth.

i’m not a leader. i tend to pile too many things on myself because i don’t trust my groupmates enough to do a good job (even though most of the time, they are more than competent to do so). i don’t know how to make small talk, how to keep the morale up, how to bring out the best in people. today while directing people during filming, i was reminded of this fact again. that any group under my charge always lack this sense of unity because i was too focused on getting things done, that i dont know how to lighten up, that i’m not everyone’s idea of the funniest person around.

i’m just feel so tired thinking about what others think of me. the tiniest actions always make me feel like i’m letting them down.

if you stick around long enough,

you get to hear the really good stuff.

keep your hat on.

 

November, you. suck. balls.

THE Checklist to Scare Myself Into Doing Work

COM225

• Essay
• Reshoot on Sunday
• Voiceover
• Final Edit by monday
• readings (if i feel like it)

EN105

• Blog Updates by today
• Market Analysis
• Competitor Analysis
• Competitive Advantage

COM253

• The Proposition backlog
• Vertigo backlog
• Bowling for Columbine Backlog
• Film, Form and Culture essay questions

COM203

• Discussion Board (5 at least)
• Research Question 1: Social Media (4 page with journal references)
• Research Question 2: Celebrities (4 page with journal references)
• 12 weeks worth of readings (good job)

COM201

• the whole textbook
• exam questions

COM207

• also the whole mofo textbook
• exam questions

Forensics

• 12 weeks of lecture notes, readings
• go through exam questions

she needs a new playlist

because too many songs remind her of people that she would be better off forgetting.

Faces live inside my head
you I choose to see instead
I guess that’s what you mean to me
A vision of you sets me free.

it took a song to help me understand why i’ve been dreaming of you so often these days. you remind me of the better times, the happier times and every other feeling that i don’t feel at all right now. I remember you because sometime in my past, you were my pillar, my strength, the only person who cared enough to see me through things when everyone else was mired in their own problems. i’ll probably never get back this special connection but thank you for the memories. Namaste.

under the circumstances man, i’m not so keen

people, projects, expectations, deadlines, grades, commitments, responsibilities.

i’m running out of time. home is the only place i feel safe now. at least no one asks about schoolwork around here.

take out the fabled angst machine and let me in

finished another day of filming. it’s been really tiring and i don’t mean just physically. there’s always a constant sense that i won’t ever be the best. somewhere in my mind, i think i’ve already established the dangerous, dismissive assumption that i can’t ever have a script as good as ___, cinematography as beautiful as ____, music as fitting as ____. it feels like everything is set in stone already, the fact that everyone else will be remembered for something except me. it’s this crushing sense that i will end up mediocre for the rest of my life; that i’ll forever walk in the shadows of giants. life’s really looking quite bleak right now.

today, on my way back from filming and feeling sick of everything, i wished for a lot of things. i wished that we were talking about nothing again, i wished you meant it when you said let’s mug again together before the exams, i wished that you would be close enough to send me piping hot noodles when i said i’m hungry at 3am, i wished that we were still making stupid emoticon pyramids, i wished that you would send a message with plans to meet up since it’s been forever since we’ve last met, i wished that my nights could end with you walking me back, i wished that i had kept some things from you, so at least we would still be talking as friends. yet i’m half wishing that you’re reading this place and whatever you’ve written was meant for me. most of all, i wished that i could go back, all the way back, to that specific point of time and told you those things that i was too afraid to say then.

i miss you a lot, really.

this close to breaking apart

one more day of filming
one more week of editing
six more days to prepare a business plan and presentation
three weeks to catch up on 6 modules worth of backlog
three weeks to internalise every reading before the exam
6 months before i can fly off to Tanzania/ Central Eastern Europe for internship
one more difficult decision to make (i don’t even know how to break the news)

one more month before all these nonsense will be over.

sick of the mounting backlog (i have the dreaded 32 page reading by my side as i’m tying this), sick of the deadlines, sick of the responsibilities, sick of not doing well, sick of not feeling well (cough is permanent now. i feel like a TB patient. one day i’m gonna cough out blood on a white handkerchief). what i really want is to just walk around alone with the brother’s DSLR, snapping pictures of no insignificance; not this mad rush of living up to everyone’s expectations. just one more month before this disastrous school year ends. december, please hurry.